My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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