Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
