I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
