So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
