While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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