Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
