My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
