he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
