Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
