Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
