my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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