I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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