Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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