There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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