I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
