I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
