words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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