So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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