Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
