i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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