i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
