I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
