there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
