there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
