and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
