I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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