This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm like, not good at living.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
