watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
