she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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