i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
