You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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