So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
