That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
