That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
