My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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