the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize