she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
