just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
