he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
