I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
