I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
