i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
