i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
