I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
