You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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