i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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