I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
