I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
