Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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