So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
