So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
