John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
