I cannot find my penis.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize