I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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