Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize