I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
