Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
