matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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