What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
