The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Too much gin, very little bucket
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
