so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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