I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There r osticjed everywhere
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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