i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
