Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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