in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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