I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
