Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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