In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just had sex bonerless
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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